She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
