3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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