As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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