Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
