Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
this just has baby written all over it
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
