Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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