Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i think i just lost a toe
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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