You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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