WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
