Soap is not a condiment
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
