I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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