I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
