her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
