he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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