There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
