I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
third nipple confirmed
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
