So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
