He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
