I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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