I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Jerry, you need to find god
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
