At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
