I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
