Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
