I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize