I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
