hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
