So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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