sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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