I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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