HIV tests are more positive than that guy
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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