Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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