You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future