I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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