I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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