im about as happy as oj after his trial
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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