Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Be still, my beating vagina.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
