I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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