It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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