Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
