Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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