just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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