my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
