i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
