If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
