you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
