my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
