I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
