some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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