It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Randomize
