When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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