mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
