the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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