Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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