can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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