Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
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it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
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There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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