girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
