Just fell off a train. Bad.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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