my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
