You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
